Jack Chalker’s Well World Books

The Well World books are . . . different.  Jack Chalker was an oddball writer.  Not a bad writer, but an odd one.  All of his books had an overriding theme: bodily change.  Well World is probably the ultimate example of this.

The basic theme of Well World goes thusly: an ancient progenitor race (The Markovians) created another universe–“our” universe.  They reached a “dead end” in their own universe and wanted to create a new one.  Within the new universe, they wished to have a race which would supersede their own.  To help implement this, they created the Well World.  It’s an artificial world consisting of 1560 “hexes”, each with their own environment.  Within said hexes were 1560 different artificial races.  Essentially, Well World is a giant laboratory for the Markovians to perfect their inheritors.

Humans (and other races) from “our” universe can get into Well World through teleportation gateways.  Once within, however, the only way to get out of the entry point is by teleporting into one of the hexes.  When you do, the Markovian super-computer turns you into one of the natives of the hex.

Moreover, every hex has its own physical rules.  Some have high technology, others have moderate and others have none.  The computer controls the physics within each hex.  Some are so odd that they have “magic” or something resembling it.  The hexes in the southern hemisphere are all carbon-based, oxygen breathing types.  The hexes in the northern hemisphere are so alien that they are separated from the southern hex by a giant equatorial wall.  The wall is also where one may access the computer.  The wildly different environments makes both travel and conquest hard–although not impossible.

Why the hell would you want to go to Well World, you ask?  Within the stories there are plenty of reasons.  One of the primary ones is that if you can gain access to the Well World computer, you can literally reshape reality.  In fact, once during the series the entire universe is “rebooted”!

If that sounds weird–you’re correct.  It’s really weird.  However, it’s not as unreachable as it sounds.  Chalker manages to personalize even the weirdest characters and makes even the oddest scenarios palatable.  The series has the highest technological level I’ve ever seen, but he keeps the stories and characters approachable.

The series takes place over a vast expanse of time.  And I do mean vast.  Epochs.  The only recurring characters are Nathan Brazil and Mavra Chang, who are essentially immortal. The rest consist of a rotating cast of characters.

Chalker’s penchant for reshaping characters like clay is in full flower here.  He warps, twists and reshapes everyone.  No one is safe.  Sexes change.  Species change.  Universes change.  You go from human to centaur to sentient plant and so forth.  Also, minds get altered, enhanced and enslaved.  I can’t recall any Chalker book where this does not take place.  In Well World it’s an absolute staple.

The staggering scope of the setting and some of the ennui which crops up can be a little overwhelming from time to time, but I would still heartily recommend these books.

The Berserker Stories

The late, great Fred Saberhagen created a series of stories and books about a race of genocidal machines called “Berserkers”.  These machines were named so after the Norse Berserker warriors, although they are even more terrifying.

As the lore goes, an ancient race known only as The Builders created a fleet of robotic ships to destroy their enemies.  After they annihilated their enemies, they decided that all life was their enemy.  It was a fatal mistake for The Builders as their creations wiped them out as well as their enemies.  The Berserkers didn’t stop there.  They created more ships and scoured life from the universe wherever they traveled.

This idea intrigued me the moment I read the first Berserker (1967) book.  The concept of gigantic, genocidal robot ships is darkly compelling.  Look at all the popular icons which followed in popular fiction.  For example we have: The Terminator, Cybermen, Cylons or even Ultron.  I’ll even give it to the Decepticons.  Hell, if we go back to 1967 we have the classic Star Trek episode of “The Doomsday Machine”.  That episode has Berserker written all over it (with apologies to Norman Spinrad.)  Dozens of other, less-known antagonists of a similar type abound in science fiction fandom.

Despite having terrifying fleets of giant death machines, very little combat is written in the Berserker stories.  Most of the big combats happen “off screen”.  Fred (and other writers) concentrated on outwitting the Berserkers, instead of out-fighting them.  Part of the lore is that the brute force approach failed when humanity defeated the main Berserker fleet.  After that the Berserkers worked in subtle and devious fashions.  They manufactured humanoid robots to infiltrate and/or assassinate (Terminator, anyone?)  To push the Terminator analogy further, Brother Assassin is all about Berserkers time traveling in attempts to destroy humanity.

For some reason the Berserker series started my love affair with robot/AI ships.  You would think they would scare the shit out of me, but instead they tickle my fancy.  I’m not sure I can coherently explain my fascination.  Perhaps it’s a power fantasy run amok.  Maybe I like gadgets–even if they want to kill me.  It might even be the scope of the threat/promise.  I never claimed to be rational.

I will say that Saberhagen had a way of firing up my imagination for worlds and gadgetry.  He did have a flaw, however–characters.  I can’t remember any of his characters in any meaningful way.  This is not merely with his Berserker books.  Many younger readers are probably familiar with his Books of Swords.  They were jam-packed with interesting backgrounds, worlds, gadgets and critters.  The characters?  Not so much.  In fact, one might argue that the most interesting characters in those books are the swords.  No sarcasm intended.  Go read them.

That’s enough, though.  With villains as awesome as Berserkers, you can sit back and coast.  The concepts are the big draw.  And draw they do.

I would consider the concept broad and deep enough to make a decent television series.  It would require a careful touch to not make it too much like more well-known fiendish robot enemies, but it could work.  I’d love to see it given as much respect as other older franchises.

 

 

 

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The Star Fox is Iron Man? A Poul Anderson Great.

The Star Fox (1964) is a favorite novel of mine from the late, great Poul Anderson.  Like a lot of Poul’s novels, there is a political undertone to it.  Poul wrote a lot of Libertarian themed fiction, like several of his contemporaries (such as Heinlein.)  This novel is both political and a precursor to today’s modern military science fiction.  After re-reading it again, however, I also realized that it was a kind of precursor to 2008’s Iron Man movie.

Basic setup is as follows:

It’s a far future space opera setting.  Earth has expanded its domain outward and put out colonies.  During this expansion they’ve come upon a militaristic and expansionist alien empire called the Aleriona.  After an ‘accidental’ attack on the human colony of New Europe, the Aleriona make peace overtones.  Everyone on New Europe is supposedly dead, so the war-wary human government doesn’t push the Aleriona claim to New Europe.

Bow before my awesomeness!

Enter the protagonist Gunnar Heim.  He’s a wealthy industrialist and navy veteran who thinks the peace talks with the Aleriona are a smoke screen for them to consolidate their position.  Then along comes a survivor of New Europe who swears there are still millions of survivors on New Europe.  When he goes to the Earth government, he isn’t believed.  Turns out the government doesn’t want to know of survivors, as it would derail the peace process.

Less military discipline is needed by privateers.

Through clever maneuvering, Gunnar manages to get a Letter of Marque from the French government, who despise the peace talks.  (Yes.  The French want war.  It’s fiction.) Through his massive fortune, Gunnar gets a battleship outfitted and crewed to wage a guerilla war against the Aleriona blockading New Europe.  Most of the book (originally three stories) details Gunnar’s escape from Earth authorities and his journey to acquire, equip and arm his ship, the Fox II to become a raider.  Most of his opposition from the Earth government and the ironically named “World Militants for Peace”.

I’ve read the book several times, but only recently did I get the parallel between it and Iron Man.  In both cases, a wealthy industrialist sees injustice done and takes it upon himself to take up arms against the guilty when his government fails.  The difference being that guilt motivates Tony Stark by the use of his weapons to harm the innocent.  In The Star Fox, Gunnar is motivated because he can see that the Earth government’s pacifism will allow the Aleriona to push Earth until resistance is untenable.  The temporary peace is bought at the cost of millions of innocent colonists.

Don’t let me repulse you.

Both have strong Libertarian undertones and a spirit of individualism which endear them to me.  Might be why I enjoy hearing of the Flying Tigers in pre-WW2 China.  The only sour note is that Poul meant this as his statement on America’s involvement in Vietnam.  Namely, his fear that the communists wouldn’t stop at Vietnam.  In hindsight, maybe not the neatest allegory.  The story in Iron Man is bit tighter and more ideologically ‘pure’.  Plus, it has Robert Downey Jr. playing my favorite comic character of all time.

Still, it’s a solid, enjoyable novel.  Check it out.

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Dahak Series: A Grand Concept

The first of David Weber’s Dahak Series, Mutineers Moon, came out in 1992, preceding his lucrative Honor Harrington books by a year.  The series consists of a mere three books, but they’re not bad.  Tightly written with a grandiose and outrageous idea.  I enjoyed the hell out of them.

In this setting, Earth’s moon isn’t a moon–it’s a ship.  A gigantic, intelligent warship with an AI named “Dahak”.  Dahak is a ship of an ancient galactic empire (The “Fourth Imperium”) and has been orbiting the Earth disguised as a moon for 50,000 years.  It turns out the entire population of Earth are descendants of the crew of Dahak.  An ancient mutiny happened and both the loyal crew and mutineers escaped to Earth, where the outnumbered loyalists were hunted and killed.  The ship was sabotaged and couldn’t stop the mutineers or aid the loyalists.  It took many decades to repair the damage, and by then all the loyalists were dead or unable to contact Dahak.  With conflicting sets of priorities in its last orders, Dahak disguises itself as a moon and waits.  For fifty thousand years.

Wild enough?  There’s more.

The mutineers reduce the surviving loyalists to the Stone Age.  They lose knowledge of their origins and begin the long climb back to civilization.  Essentially, the entire history of mankind comes from cosmic castaways.  The story begins at a near-future point where Lieutenant Commander Colin MacIntyre flies a spacecraft around the moon to map the far side.  When he goes out of radio contact, Dahak sends out remote ships to capture him and fake his death.  Using twisty logic, Dahak declares that the indigenous life of Earth are considered the descendants of the loyalists.  Therefore, he puts Colin in command of the moon-sized ship.

From there it’s discovered that many of the original mutineers are still alive.  After the mutiny, there was a schism between the mutineers.  One group was fine with the status quo and the other regretted the decision.  They’ve been secretly warring with one another throughout human history.  The original mutineers are led by Engineering Chief Anu and the rebels are led by Missile Tech Horus.  Whole mythologies sprung up around the conflict.

Anu’s people dwell beneath Antarctica, protected by a force shield so powerful that it would take Dahak’s main guns to punch through.  This, however would destroy most of the life on Earth.  Ergo, Dahak cannot act.  Colin and the rebels have to figure out how to take them down without Dahak’s direct help.

That’s right people.  We’ve got an Ancient Alien Conspiracy.  Moon sized ships.  Godlike alien infiltrators.  A goddamn Antarctic base!  Oh yeah, baby!

But wait!  There’s more.  The original purpose of Dahak and ships like it was to fight off a fleet of extra-galactic extermination ships.  The fleet periodically reappears every few millennia and destroys all technological civilizations.  And they’re about due to pay another visit. And that’s just the beginning of the story!  The original books were Mutineers Moon, The Armageddon Inheritance and Heirs of Empire.  All of the books are collected in the compilation Empire from the Ashes.

World-smashing ships!  Alien supermen!  Cosmic mysteries!  Invading fleets!  Dead empires!  Ravening beams of force! This is basically a homage to E.E. “Doc” Smith’s Lensman books.  I don’t say that as criticism.  Smith would have loved these books.  I know I did.

Weber’s later books become preachy and political.  Not these.  Lean, exciting stuff.  Go pick up a copy and enjoy.

My First Science Fiction Series: Flinx and Pip

The Flinx and Pip series by Alan Dean Foster appeared on my radar screen in the late seventies.  I was ushered into this series via Foster’s Splinter of the Mind’s Eye and Alien movie adaptation.  Before that my experience with science fiction had been movies and comic books.  Although my mom read War of the Worlds to me as a kid.  I only understood parts of it.  Yes, my mom read a turn-of-the-century H.G. Wells novel to me as a young nipper.  My mom is awesome.

Alan Dean Foster got a bad rep in the seventies and eighties because of all of his movie adaptations.  He did a lot of them.  I don’t criticize him, because I’m happy for any writer making good money.  Good for him.

Anyway, I saw his name on a book: The Tar-Aiym Krang.  That title just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?  Still, I rather enjoyed it.  So I got the rest in the series: Orphan Star and The End of the Matter and Bloodhype.  Mind you, Bloodhype is an oddball entry in the series.  It was written second, but comes in . . . I’m not exactly sure where it fits in the chronology.  More on that later.

Basic premise of the series is nothing radically new.  Far future space civilization (The Commonwealth) with multiple worlds and alien civilizations.  The fun part is the dual civilizations of human and Thranx (which are mantis-like alien insects).  Foster sets up the framework for all his Commonwealth books in this series.  It’s a setting every bit as rich and interesting as anything created by Isaac Asimov, Poul Anderson or Larry Niven.  (None of which I had read as a young teenager.)  It has lost alien civilizations, cosmic threats and alien artifacts.  Meat and drink to the science fiction or space opera genre.

The main character in this series is Flinx.  He’s a psionic orphan who grows up poor and becomes a thief and (sometime) con artist on the planet Moth (named because of wing-like rings).  His “sidekick” is a flying alien snake with deadly and acidic venom.  It’s also empathic and “links” with Flinx.

The unlikely duo runs into various adventures, usually because of Flinx’s precognitive flashes that lead him into strange situations.  He also later discovers that he was genetically engineered by a secretive group to give him his abilities.

The series continued after that, but the strongest ones were the first ones.  Bloodhype is the oddball one because Flinx and Pip are background characters, rather than the main ones.  It’s still a very good book, but go into it understanding that it’s only marginally a Flinx and Pip book.

This series was my introduction into reading science fiction and I don’t feel cheated.  Still good stuff and I still like Alan Dean Foster a lot.  Although his fantasy is a mixed bag at best.  His Spellsinger series is awful.  I did like Into the Out Of, but I’d call that horror.  I would strongly advise checking out his The Damned series.  It’s great.

Honestly, the Flinx and Pip series would make a great movie or television series.  It’s straightforward, but with plenty of room to expand a universe.

Go check out the series.

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Obscure Indie Film: The Deadly Spawn

The Deadly Spawn is an oddball sci-fi/horror movie from 1983.  I hadn’t seen it myself until just recently.  I’d seen the poster and a few stills, but that’s all.  Fortunately, we live in the age of the internet and YouTube, hence my ability to watch it.

First, I’d like to make sure you realize this is a ‘B’ movie.  The entire budget of this film was a grand total of $25,000.  Yes, you read that right.  Of course, this was in 1983 dollars, but . . . that’s a shoestring budget.  To give you an idea, note that Night of the Living Dead’s budget was $114,000 in 1968 dollars, and that was a tight budget.  And Night didn’t have much in the way of special effects aside from some makeup effects.

Ignore my phallic shape and kiss me.

Second, the late, great Tim Hildebrandt is one of the film’s producers.  Yes, that Tim Hildebrandt.  Lord of the friggin’ Rings Tim Hildebrandt of the Brothers Hildebrandt.of The brothers responsible for most of the LOTR artwork for a couple of decades, not to mention the original poster art for Star Wars.  (Also note that the youngest protagonist and science fiction fanboy in the movie is Charles George Hildebrandt–Tim’s son.)

The Brothers Hildebrandt also did the artwork for the Deadly Spawn movie poster.  Which is pretty damn cool.

Last time I go to that dermatologist.

The plot is straightforward and familiar to any science fiction or horror movie nerd.  A meteor falls in the woods and is discovered by a couple of campers. The toothy spawn from inside the meteor make a quick meal of said campers.  The spawn takes up residence in a rural house’s basement and proceeds to start eating the inhabitants and visitors.  It also releases multiple tiny spawn with oversized teeth and jaws.  The spawn do what evil alien spawn are supposed to do–they try to eat everything they find.

This little piggy went to the SLAUGHTER!

The gore is both graphic and solidly done, especially considering the minuscule budget available.  Interspersing the graphic effects are several cutaway scenes involving what I kind only assume was a squirt gun with stage blood.  The main creature has some nicely overdone dental appendages of sinister design.  It’s no man in a rubber suit.  It’s accomplished with puppetry effects and judicious use of dark lighting, cutaways and close-ups.

The acting?  All I can say is that for a college production, the acting is decent.  Not exactly Shakespearean, but this isn’t exactly Othello, either.  I will say the acting is better than most of the SyFy Channel’s cheese movies.  Which admittedly, isn’t hard.

Feed me, Seymour!

I could go into more plot details, but honestly, you know everything you need to know.  Alien spawn picking off victims.  Deadly game of cat and mouse.  Plucky young protagonist figures out the spawn’s weakness.  Deadly vegetarian food party.  Don’t go in the basement.

Party on.  Go check it out.  It’s available on YouTube for free.  Enjoy.

*- Please note, there is a quasi “sequel” called Deadly Spawn II or Metamorphosis: The Alien Factor.  Apparently it has little to do with the first movie.  I have never seen it.

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Movies That Need More Love: Real Steel

I love Real Steel, directed by Shawn Levy.  I simply adore this movie.  It earned my love the first time I watched it and it has never diminished.  Just to let you know my bias.

Is it formulaic?  Oh yes.  Real Steel owes a great deal to the Rocky movies in its formula.  It’s a (very) loose adaptation of the Richard Matheson short story “Steel” which appeared on The Twilight Zone in 1963.  Elements of that story are still there, but mostly serves as the kernel of a new story entirely.  The TZ story was more serious and depressing.

Anyway, you’ve got Charlie Kenton (Hugh Jackman) as a former boxer turned robot boxer promoter.  Backstory reveals that human boxing languished as robot boxing started, as mere humans couldn’t give the type of spectacle the fans wanted.  Charlie reconnects with his son Max (Dakota Goyo) after Max’s mother dies.  Charlie cynically sells away his rights to Max for enough money to continue robot boxing, only to lose again and again.  Part of the deal is that Max stays with Charlie over the summer.

Charlie gets more than he bargained for with Max, as he’s a robot boxing fan and knows more about robots than Charlie.  More than that, Charlie begins to care about his son as more than a moneymaking scheme.  He’s alternately encouraged and chastened by Bailey Tallet (Evangeline Lilly) who is the daughter of his deceased former boxing coach.

After all of Charlie’s expensive robots are destroyed, Max literally falls over an older robot called “Atom” in a junkyard.  They fix Atom up and discover he punches well above his weight class.

Kid, let me tell you about this time my plane crashed on an island . . .

Every actor in this movie punches above his or her weight class.  Hugh Jackman gives a typically great performance.  He manages to portray a burned out loser who isn’t an idiot, but constantly does stupid things by impulse.  I normally loathe child actors, but Dakota Goyo is a joy to watch.  He’s precocious, but not annoyingly precocious, like too many child actors.  He still shows expected, childish gaps in his knowledge.  Evangeline Lilly is also wonderful.  She doesn’t have a lot of screen time, but she packs a lot of heart in the few minutes she slips in and out.  (On a personal note, I find her to be absolutely gorgeous, in a ‘girl next door’ kind of way.)  Kevin Durand is hilariously great as the over-the-top heavy with an exaggerated redneck accent and sneering smile.  (Compare it with his Brooklyn/Ukranian accent on The Strain.  The guy’s got some range.)

(Side note: Sugar Ray Leonard advised the fight choreography.)

I would be amiss in not mentioning the Academy Award nominated robot effects in this movie.  The effects people outdid themselves.  The CGI interacts with the human actors

If you were a vampire, I’d so kill you.

and practical effects in a well-choreographed and very believable fashion.  Contrast it with the awful interactions in pretty much any Transformers movie and you’ll see that people who complain about too much CGI don’t understand.  It’s not the effects–it’s how they’re used.  Real Steel uses them like a maestro.  You can easily fool yourself into thinking these robots are real.

The filmmakers show the science fiction elements of this near-future setting, but don’t cram them down your throat.  Multiple, logical progressions of existing technology linger in the background.  The obvious ones with the robots are still handled in a mundane enough manner to suspend disbelief.

I love all of the above, but the part that really ties it up into a bow is that this is a guy’s movie.  No, not a guy’s movie–a father’s movie.  This entire movie is love letter to fatherhood.  So often these days fathers are mocked and/or shown to be shitheads or simply unnecessary.  (“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”.)  This movie does everything but put a banner in praise of fatherhood over the top of the screen.  Fatherhood really matters in this movie and isn’t the least bit shy about showing it.

I’d make a joke about the scene, but I love it too much.

Are there predictable, cliched elements?  Absolutely.  But cliches become cliches because they work. If you have good writing, dialogue and heart, I don’t care if something has been done before.  Real Steel has enough heart for two movies.  I defy any man to not get a little misty-eyed during the Zeus shadow boxing.  Go on, I dare you.

If you’ve never seen this movie–what are you waiting for?!  Go find a copy and watch it!  Immediately!

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Society: A Weird Lovecraftian Movie

Society is a bizarre movie.  Some might quibble with me labeling it “Lovecraftian”, but there are definitely elements that fit.

I saw this thing while stationed in Germany in the early 90s.  A lieutenant and I would regularly swap weird movies with one another to try to ‘out-weird’ the other.  He made me watch Naked Lunch and I made him watch this.  He won.

Society starts out weird and rapidly gets weirder.  The main character Bill Whitney (Billy Warlock) is a member of a rich family in Beverly Hills.  However, he never feels like he fits in either with his family or wealthy society.  Not only is there an odd feeling of alienation, but he catches glimpses of bizarre, body-contorting imagery.  Is it in his mind?  Is he going insane.

Sis is very flexible.

A friend from school gives him a tape of his family in what sounds like a twisted orgy.  When he plays it for a therapist, it’s completely different and normal.  Corpses appear only to disappear when the authorities arrive.  Bill’s obviously losing his mind, right?

Not so much.  This movie was created by Brian Yuzna.  Yes, that Brian Yuzna.  Re-Animator and From Beyond Brian Yuzna.  So you know the explanation won’t be that simple.

It turns out Bill is adopted.  His family–along with most of the upper crust in Beverly Hills–are a different species.  They’re parasitical creatures that (literally) feed off the poor to survive.  Bill was only kept as a sacrifice for his adopted sister’s ‘coming out’ party.

No joke will do justice to this.

If this sounds like thinly-veiled social commentary about class structure–ding!  You’re a winner!  It definitely is.  This is where it somewhat parts from Lovecraft.  Howard would typically have the alien creatures be from inbreeding or from crossbreeding with aliens (The Shadow Over Innsmouth and The Dunwich Horror).  Although I don’t think Howard would have minded this too much.  He didn’t concentrate so much on class as race.

Anyway, the analogy is about as subtle as a nuclear weapon.  Doesn’t matter so much, though.  This isn’t a movie that takes the analogy too seriously.  Plus, it’s incredibly weird

Worse than a Charlie Sheen party.

and surreal.  The ending ‘coming out’ party is not something you’ll be likely to forget anytime soon.  If you thought From Beyond was a mind-scrambler, just watch!

Highlights are the shower scene with sister Jenny (Patrice Jennings,) Bill’s new girlfriend Clarissa (Playboy Playmate Devin DeVasquez,) and Clarissa’s strange, hair-eating mother (Pamela Matheson).

Mmm . . . Devin DeVasquez.

I don’t want to give too much away, as half the enjoyment of this movie is being surprised at how fucking weird some of the elements are.  Did I mention it’s weird?  The final “Party” is worth the price of admission alone.

Go dig up a copy and enjoy.

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The Hidden: An Oddball 80s Movie

The Hidden (1987) is an obscure science fiction film starring Kyle MacLachlan after his role in Blue Velvet, but preceding his Twin Peaks fame.  Despite several tropes, the skewed plot line makes it an enjoyable distraction. 

Essentially a warped version of the “buddy cop” genre, Michael Nouri plays L.A. detective Thomas Beck.  Beck pursues and (apparently) fatally injures spree killer Jack DeVries (Chris Mulkey) during the chase.  FBI Special Agent Lloyd Gallagher (MacLachlan) later confronts Beck, saying DeVries is still a threat.

“Mr DeVries, we think you might have a throat infection.”

Meanwhile, in the hospital, DeVries jumps up and attacks a heart patient Jonathan P. Miller (William Boyett).  DeVries pops opens his mouth and out crawls a hideous, slug-like alien.  It crawls down Miller’s throat and takes him over, letting its old host collapse.  Miller runs off to commit more of the random violence in the same manner as DeVries.

After this starts, Gallagher tries to convince Beck that Miller is a partner of DeVries who is every bit as dangerous, despite no criminal record.

You can probably guess how the rest of this goes.  The evil alien continues to jump through host bodies while the authorities struggle to catch up. 

Aliens are teatotallers.

It’s fairly obvious from the beginning that Gallagher is another alien.  MacLachlan does a brilliant job of being “not quite right”.  He conveys a vibe of alien without much scenery-chewing.  Not only his weird questions, but MacLachlan’s deliciously “off” mannerisms.  There’s an especially amusing dinner scene with Beck’s family, where Gallagher gets tipsy.  Bloody hilarious.  My favorite part is when Beck asks him where he’s from.  Gallagher points straight up.  “From up north?” Beck asks.  Gallagher nods.

It turns out Lloyd is an alien “cop” (named Alhague) and the evil alien is a criminal who killed Alhague’s family.  Yes, it’s a cop revenge story.

That’s a damn fine ray gun.

If all this sounds cheesy, it’s actually not.  Or not much.  The performances in this are wonderful, despite the bizarre premise.  William Boyett has a wickedly good time being the heart patient turned evil alien.  His murder spree is both amusing and horrifying.  Of special interest is when the alien possesses a stripper named Brenda (gorgeous Claudia Christian of Babylon 5 fame).  She fondles herself in front of a couple of cops before shooting them with an assault rifle.  This is after she humps a drunken lecher to death.

Claudia’s role is . . . I’m sorry, was I saying something?

There aren’t many special effects in this.  I suspect it’s deliberate–a combination of shrewd writing and budget considerations.  The few that do appear are pretty effective.  The alien slug switching bodies is skin-crawlingly impressive.  I think it’s a case of “less is more”.

MacLachlan’s freaky acting in this is worth it, even if you don’t care about the rest of the film.  Go dig up a copy and enjoy.

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Hawk the Slayer: D&D Cheese

Hawk the Friggin’ Slayer.  Yes, I’m going there.  You bet your ass.

Cast your mind back (if you’re young enough) to the year of 1980.  There, gifted unto the world was the glorious cheese of Hawk the Slayer.  I first witnessed this wondrous spectacle on HBO (before there were more than one.)  This happened briefly after the insidious, Satan-worshipping evil of Dungeons and Dragons possessed me.  Other than the animated Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, D&D fandom had few cinematic representatives.

Then along comes a cheesefest filled to the brim with elves, dwarves, giants, magic swords and witches.  Oh sweet Demogorgon, yes!

What did I care that the majority of the special effects consisted of glowing superballs, smoke pots, shiny hula hoops and bad stop-motion arrows?  It mattered naught!  To battle!

I AM NOT OVERACTING!

Anyway, the plot is pretty simple.  Bad guy brother Voltan (played by the scenery-chewing Jack Palance) kills his father the king.  Good guy brother Hawk (played with wooden fortitude by John Terry) gets the gift of “The Mindsword” from dad and swears to avenge his death.  The power of The Mindsword (so far as I can determine) consists of reacting to the wielder’s mental commands and lighting the way through a haunted forest at one point.  Other powers are a bit murky–try again later.

Voltan sports a Darth Vader style helmet that helps conceal his burned features.  Burned, incidentally, by Hawk’s lady love right before Voltan kills her.  Yeah, Voltan’s a shitty brother.  You can kinda see why he’s never invited to family reunions.

Years later Voltan’s ravaging the countryside, like a good villain.  He kidnaps the Abbess of a convent and tries to ransom her back to the church.  Unsure which god the church

Still better than most of the D&D groups I’ve known.

worships.  Scientology?  Instead a crossbowman named Ranulf (W. Morgan Sheppard) wounded by Voltan seeks a group to help rescue the Abbess and defend the convent.  This is where we get a “Magnificent Seven” vibe as a group of misfits (Player Characters or Murder Hobos–you decide) is assembled by Ranulf and Hawk.  The group consists of: Gort the Giant (Bernard Bresslaw from Krull “fame”), Crow the Elf (Ray Charleson), Baldin the Dwarf (Peter O’Farrell) and The Sorceress (Patricia Quinn).

At least half of these folks are recruited by rescuing them from brigands.  Seriously, there are brigands all over the place.  Brigands stealing.  Brigands trying to burn witches.  Brigands cheating at archery contests.  It’s like a brigand convention.  I figure half of this world’s population is brigands.

Special Effects!

The lion’s share of the rest of the movie consists of the group playing cat and mouse with Voltan and killing a lot of his redshirts.  Lots.  How Voltan kept recruits with his attrition rate just tells you more about brigand overpopulation than the quality of his leadership.  Keep your brigands spayed and neutered.

There follows the inevitable confrontation between the brothers.  You can guess what happens.

This film was slapped together in six weeks for a mere six hundred thousand pounds in Buckinghamshire, England.  (This explains the preponderance of British actors in it.)  The

I’ve got this trick I do with a fish . . .

movie had a theatrical release in the UK, but the production company ITC went tits-up before it could be released in the United States.  Instead it became cable television fodder and a warm, cheesy memory to hordes of nerds everywhere.  Afterward, it became a cult movie classic to the point that a campaign happened to create a sequel called Hawk the Hunter.  Unfortunately, the Kickstarter campaign failed miserably.

Dig up a copy and enjoy.

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