Hawk the Slayer: D&D Cheese

Hawk the Friggin’ Slayer.  Yes, I’m going there.  You bet your ass.

Cast your mind back (if you’re young enough) to the year of 1980.  There, gifted unto the world was the glorious cheese of Hawk the Slayer.  I first witnessed this wondrous spectacle on HBO (before there were more than one.)  This happened briefly after the insidious, Satan-worshipping evil of Dungeons and Dragons possessed me.  Other than the animated Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, D&D fandom had few cinematic representatives.

Then along comes a cheesefest filled to the brim with elves, dwarves, giants, magic swords and witches.  Oh sweet Demogorgon, yes!

What did I care that the majority of the special effects consisted of glowing superballs, smoke pots, shiny hula hoops and bad stop-motion arrows?  It mattered naught!  To battle!

I AM NOT OVERACTING!

Anyway, the plot is pretty simple.  Bad guy brother Voltan (played by the scenery-chewing Jack Palance) kills his father the king.  Good guy brother Hawk (played with wooden fortitude by John Terry) gets the gift of “The Mindsword” from dad and swears to avenge his death.  The power of The Mindsword (so far as I can determine) consists of reacting to the wielder’s mental commands and lighting the way through a haunted forest at one point.  Other powers are a bit murky–try again later.

Voltan sports a Darth Vader style helmet that helps conceal his burned features.  Burned, incidentally, by Hawk’s lady love right before Voltan kills her.  Yeah, Voltan’s a shitty brother.  You can kinda see why he’s never invited to family reunions.

Years later Voltan’s ravaging the countryside, like a good villain.  He kidnaps the Abbess of a convent and tries to ransom her back to the church.  Unsure which god the church

Still better than most of the D&D groups I’ve known.

worships.  Scientology?  Instead a crossbowman named Ranulf (W. Morgan Sheppard) wounded by Voltan seeks a group to help rescue the Abbess and defend the convent.  This is where we get a “Magnificent Seven” vibe as a group of misfits (Player Characters or Murder Hobos–you decide) is assembled by Ranulf and Hawk.  The group consists of: Gort the Giant (Bernard Bresslaw from Krull “fame”), Crow the Elf (Ray Charleson), Baldin the Dwarf (Peter O’Farrell) and The Sorceress (Patricia Quinn).

At least half of these folks are recruited by rescuing them from brigands.  Seriously, there are brigands all over the place.  Brigands stealing.  Brigands trying to burn witches.  Brigands cheating at archery contests.  It’s like a brigand convention.  I figure half of this world’s population is brigands.

Special Effects!

The lion’s share of the rest of the movie consists of the group playing cat and mouse with Voltan and killing a lot of his redshirts.  Lots.  How Voltan kept recruits with his attrition rate just tells you more about brigand overpopulation than the quality of his leadership.  Keep your brigands spayed and neutered.

There follows the inevitable confrontation between the brothers.  You can guess what happens.

This film was slapped together in six weeks for a mere six hundred thousand pounds in Buckinghamshire, England.  (This explains the preponderance of British actors in it.)  The

I’ve got this trick I do with a fish . . .

movie had a theatrical release in the UK, but the production company ITC went tits-up before it could be released in the United States.  Instead it became cable television fodder and a warm, cheesy memory to hordes of nerds everywhere.  Afterward, it became a cult movie classic to the point that a campaign happened to create a sequel called Hawk the Hunter.  Unfortunately, the Kickstarter campaign failed miserably.

Dig up a copy and enjoy.

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Star Command/In the Fold: 90s Cheese

For many years I tried to find Star Command somewhere on the web.  The difficulty lay in the fact that I couldn’t actually remember the name of the damn thing.  Until recently, I had only seen it once–20 years ago.  However, thanks to the wonder of YouTube, I tracked it down and re-watched it.

I kind of liked the thing back in 1996 with the original viewing.  I feared it would become awful with two decades under my belt.  Did it?

Umm . . . yes and no.

First, a basic rundown.  Star Command is meant to be a pilot for a series on UPN.  Written by Wild Cards and Next Generation veteran Melinda M. Snodgrass, it feels a lot like a Heinlein or perhaps David Weber story.  That’s not a quality judgment, merely a thematic one.

It’s a space opera setting where humanity splinters between Terrans and colonists.  As best I can deduce, the colonies formed their own government and broke away from Terran control.  Not a new space opera concept, but not the worst I’ve seen.  Both sides claim a rare Earth-like planet while they scramble for resources and war is brewing.

The story follows the crew of a corvette named Surprise with a training crew.  The Surprise flies into the disputed system for a scouting mission but gets ambushed by the rebellious colonist government, during which the senior officers all die–and rather quickly.  The ship is crippled but managed to land on a frozen moon and fake its destruction.  This leaves the cadets to stop the five enemy cruisers with their one corvette.

The good:

The writing isn’t bad.  Plenty of time-honored science fiction novel ideas are here which rarely make it onto television or movie screens.  Cliches become cliches for good reasons.

Melinda does her best to incorporate hard science fiction elements.  The ships have lasers and missiles–instead of phasers and shields.  Radiation screws up things.  And so forth.

The acting is passable.  It won’t win any awards, but I’ve seen worse.

The setting is interesting enough I wouldn’t mind more.  It certainly feels a lot more classic sci-fi than most science fiction movies and television.

Morgan Fairchild looks pretty good in this, even though she’s in her mid-forties.

The bad:

The special effects have not aged well.  They were passable for 1996, but . . . ugh.  Computer graphics have a short shelf life and these weren’t cutting edge in 1996.

The sets look like Babylon 5 rejects.  Actually that’s unkind to Babylon 5.

The costumes are . . . well, I’m not sure what they are.  The uniforms appear to be a combination of Next Generation and something from a 1960s Heinlein space navy promotional poster.

Morgan Fairchild dies very quickly.

The ugly:

The robot in it is like Johnny 5’s retarded cousin.  I get that they were trying to have a robot that looks like a robot, as opposed to a guy in makeup, but don’t try it without a budget.  Just don’t.

Overview:

So how does it stack up with my memory?  Better in some ways but worse in others.

I’ve noticed a lot of hate in several internet spots, but I don’t quite get it.  Sure, this jalopy is rusty and clunky, but not worth the disdain.  Perhaps I enjoy it more because I can see the designs and intentions behind the flaws.  This could have been a passable series.  Suppose Babylon 5 or Next Generation had been judged solely by their pilots? (shudders)

Is it cheesy?  There’s a bit of Cheddar.

Flaws?  Goddamn right.

Bad costumes?  Yes.  However, I did enjoy the miniskirts for graduation.  However, I enjoy miniskirts for virtually any occasion.

Honestly though, I’d rather watch this than a polished turd like Independence Day or its ilk.  I’ve had worse times.

Watch it and judge for yourself.

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